I should first start out with a disclaimer, stating in large bold letters that this week absolutely sucks already.
I started writing this at 5 a.m. while sitting in my friends’ bathroom on a Monday morning because I stayed there the night before, just needing to lean on people who get me. I did not want to be alone with my thoughts and I wanted to talk through them. The idea of driving 40 minutes and sitting in my car, allowing myself to have time alone to think sounded simply terrible, & I’m okay with not facing the reality of what I’m feeling fully at the given moment. I can’t sleep well, and if you know me you know I never miss my sleep. So I’m not exactly thrilled with the current situation in any way whatsoever.
It’s times like these that I really do always turn to writing, because not only is it cathartic as hell, but it helps me work through some of the stuff I’m grappling with in my own head. And I guess it’s time to face it now.
I went through some shit over the weekend that I wasn’t really expecting, and quite honestly it threw me for a loop. It’s now one of those weeks where you are just going through the daily motions & are numb to whatever went wrong. I still haven’t let myself be alone for too long to think about what went so awry in the situation at hand or how I, the control freak of all control freaks, can do absolutely nothing to change it.
Letting people in does that—it gives them license to hurt you & there’s nothing you can do about it.
I’m turning 24 this weekend. A few weeks ago I wrote a post about the wonderfully difficult and amazing lessons I learned along the way to get me to where I am now. Which, at the time I wrote it, was the happiest I had been in a long, long time. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve written, and I’m still excited to share that here on my birthday in a few days.
One lesson I left out from that list that I want to write about now is that sometimes things just suck. Plain & simple. And that’s okay. That’s just living.
Because this is a place I created for myself to be honest & real, and before I go ahead and share the silver linings of everything I’ve been through up until this point in my life through the lessons I learned, I will say that I feel like absolute crap right now & I’m accepting that that’s okay. And I’m gonna let myself feel that for as long as feels right to me. I’m allowed to have that.
As much as I would like to believe it, life’s not always rainbows & butterflies & puppies & ice cream. Right now, despite everything else going so very right in my life, I don’t feel so peachy to say the least. In general, things don’t always work out according to the master plan. You don’t always get what you want in life. This I know. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t get better. And you can grow from it. It also doesn’t make it suck any less, though.
The problem that I am dealing with is that I am struggling with the impossible decision to walk away from a person I care about because I know what I deserve or holding on to them because letting go is too painful. Holding on would be a long, drawn out, dull pain that could hurt me more in the long run, so to me it’s clear that letting go is the only option. It’s logical & it’s the right thing to do. But it’s the complete opposite of what I want, which is why I’m feeling distraught. This is the dilemma. But I have to… I know.
There is no one emotion I can pinpoint for very long. I go from upset, to pissed off, to confused, to strangely calm and at peace and super empowered about the choice I made. Then I get delirious, and then I go all the way back again and am so angry I want to break things.
This is what happens when you put too much of yourself into something that could hurt you. And when it does hurt you, it hurts like hell and you can lose yourself in the process.
I don’t let people in easily. Ever. My walls are up pretty damn high. Giving people the opportunity to come into my life, change things & turn my world upside down feels like I’m opening the door for them to hurt me wide open. And then when they do, I’m surprised every time. But why?
The problem here is that I think more about them than I think about myself. I know my feelings, am confident about them and myself, and I assume that we’re on the same page if things seem perfect & rosy.
A fatal flaw of mine is that I lose myself in relationships. I get carried away. I fall hard & care more. I see what I want & I’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
The difference now is that going-on-24 Sam knows how to walk away if things aren’t right. If you don’t want the same things as someone, it’s the only option. Holding on is more painful than the letting go would be anyway. I won’t be able to control or change another’s feelings. I’m not going to fight for someone who won’t fight back. It will never be what I want it to be through anything that I can do. If it’s meant to be at some point in life, then it just will. That’s all there is to it. It’s so annoying and stupid and makes me want to throw my phone I’m typing this on across the room. But that’s life. Kinda sucks, right?
So what do I do now? Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I move on. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and if they’re meant to be there, the Universe will find a way to make that happen. And so will they. So I’m letting go, both of this person & also of my control, and letting the Universe just go ahead and take it from here.
Despite everything totally sucking right now, & writing this and drinking margaritas being the only two things to make me feel the least bit better, 24 is still looking pretty damn good. This is just another lesson to add to the list.