Warning: this post is going to have the f-word repeated often. But it’s necessary. Sorry bout it.
I found my absolute favorite piece of relationship advice while scrolling through my Facebook timeline. Who knew?
Mark Manson wrote an incredible article on “The Law of Fuck Yes or No” back in 2013 and it’s still super relevant today.
Side note: check out his website. I don’t necessarily agree with all of his stuff, but I love his approach. His book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is on my must read list. Check out an excerpt when you get a sec. So effing cool. But okay back to this article!
When I came across it a few weeks ago, it really struck a chord with me in relation to my own life.
I strongly encourage you to give it a listen (it takes about 11 minutes) and it will give you a new lens to look at relationships, romantic or otherwise, with. You already know from last week’s post what I think about saying “yes” to some things and “no” to other things. In summary, there’s a time to say yes and a time to say no. And you should say yes to things that will make you feel good and no to things that don’t. Seems simple, right? It isn’t always. This just puts the ideas behind those two important words in another interesting perspective.
Manson defines the Law of “Fuck Yes or No” pretty bluntly. I’ll break it down for you.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” defined
- When you want to get involved with someone new, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
- It also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, THEY must respond the same way about YOU in order for you to proceed with them.
It’s pretty simple. Manson says you can be a “fuck yes” to all kinds of circumstances. You don’t have to necessarily look at someone you’re into, say “fuck yes” and go ahead and date them because it feels good. You can simply be a “fuck yes” about just getting to know someone better because you think a spark could be there down the line. You can be a “fuck yes” about giving a relationship time to work out its kinks instead of opting to break up. You can be a “fuck yes” about hanging out with a new friend who you’re really vibing with. You can even be a “fuck yes” about just hooking up with someone you’re into and leaving it at that.
When it comes down to it, it’s about self-respect.
“You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?”
So, it would be a no if someone you’re interested in tells you that they are more interested in someone else but still wants to hang out. It would be a no if you and your friend fight constantly and can’t ever find middle ground to get along. It would be a no if you’re in a tumultuous relationship that feels good only a fraction of the time. It’s hard to say no, but you’ll know when to by seeing what makes you want to say “fuck yes.”
I also think it’s important to have the tough conversations about expectations and “what you’re looking for” pretty early on in the start of a relationship. From there, you can see if it will or COULD ever be a “fuck yes” to something real. Sometimes it’s not always as clear as day. Sometimes it slaps you right in the face. Sometimes, you just know it’s at least a “fuck yes” to see what happens and you just go with it. If there’s no shot it will be a “fuck yes” on what you’re looking for, then you cut the cord for the sake of your dignity.
For me, I think the hardest part is reminding yourself that you can’t make something out of nothing. You can’t force feelings or attraction that’s just not there. You know when there’s something worth having in your life, though. Sometimes it’s just not always clear why at the time. It’s nice to lose control sometimes, go with how you’re feeling and what makes you happy, and leave it up to the Universe to lead you to the people you need.
I think the Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is pretty universal even outside of relationships. If something doesn’t get you excited, make you feel good, make you money, or bring you any type of joy then why the hell are you pursuing it?
Whatever your fuck yes is, you’ll know it when you find it.