These are the kinds of guys you’ll meet on dating apps.

I’m certainly not the first person to talk about the woes of dating on apps, and I certainly won’t be the last. If you’ve been following along with my Soulmates + Bumble Dates posts over the last few months, I’m sure you know I’ve seen my fair share of weirdness. That’s not to say that there aren’t real winners on these apps—I can actually promise you that there are. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea… and there are. But unfortunately a bunch of them are bottom-feeders. Here’s hoping we can sort through those pesky carnival goldfish and find us some Nemos.

Now, there are all types of guys you’ll meet on these dating apps. I’m sure there are all types of girls you’ll meet, too. So any guy who would volunteer to give me a breakdown, I’d love to explore that. For now, I’ve broken down the types of guys I’ve come across. Since being on these apps (on and off… and then on and off again) for a few years now, I’ve talked to more guys than I’ll ever remember. But the interactions I’ve had fit into just a few categories. Let’s begin.

The Straight-shooter

These are the guys who, for lack of a better term, are DTF and only DTF. They ask you little to no questions about yourself aside from what you’re doing at the current moment, which is usually trying to gauge if you have plans and are also DTF.

Here’s an example. For context, this is following letting me know he had just left dinner with his family and was going to hang out with a friend for the night. He was a little delayed in responding (like as in 20 minutes delayed, not days or anything) and apologized for that.

Me: “That sounds fun though! Are you guys up to anything fun or just hanging?”

Him: “Sorry just saw this I don’t really check that often lol”

Me: “Haha that’s okay I’m the exact same way. Have fun with your friend?”

Him: “Yea just got him really high and f***ed up lol. So, you wanna get f***ed?”

Time this took: Approximately one hour of messaging. Nice.

The Mansplainer

These are the guys that immediately assume you’re dumb (or simply just not as smart as they are). This could be because, generally, you’re a woman (ha). Or it could be because your pictures make you look like just a pretty face or in their mind your job sees like a fun or easy one.

They’re the guys that, when asked what they do for a living, explain it in terms a fourth grader could understand because there’s no possible way you would have any idea what they do. And yes, these people exist. If you want the screenshots LMK.

The Passive Swiper

These are the ones that just fade into the night and clearly aren’t all that super engaged. They’re the ones you’ll match with but never converse with and the Bumbles that expire. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Over-Complimenter

Now let me be clear, I’m all for compliments. For one thing, I am female. Sorry bout it. For another, words of affirmation are my love language. I need to hear what people think of me to know it and believe it. The guys that are “over-complimenters” are the guys that throw these compliments around like they’re nothing. You know he says the same stuff to every girl he talks to. You can tell, because he barely knows enough about you to talk about you as if you’re Wonder Woman, the hottest girl he’s ever seen or any of the above. A lot of the time these guys see this as a tactic to win a girl over, when really we just want them to actually take the time to get to know us and have an actual, substantive opinion about us over time. SMH.

The Disappointer

This is the one you start talking to and after a little while of messaging, could be hours, days, even a few weeks, they are a bit of a let down. One could argue this might be because you don’t truly know a person by just messaging them.

An example of this is when someone actually tries to have engaging conversations with you, takes an interest, acts like a gentleman, and then comes out and does something super random and scummy like send you a d*** pic or asks when you’re gonna f*** before so much as a hang out.

The Clinger

These guys, at the surface, seem okay at first. They’re the ones who come on a little strong, and then a little stronger, and then they won’t leave you alone.

Example: I’m talking to a guy for maybe two days. Not continuously, just a few messages here and there. He travels for work and is in town for a short time, so I’m not invested. He asks to hangout and I truly have no time during the week. He then asks me if I’ve “ever gone to the Jersey shore.” (Uh yeah obviously I’m from Philadelphia) and said he might get a place there for the weekend and that “I should show him around.” I see where this is going. I backpedal. Thanks but no thanks. He says “Ok.” Alright, no harm no foul. Over 24 hours later. “Soo when we hanging out beautiful?!” Uh so never. I’m not coming to the beach with you sir. We have not met. I don’t respond and truthfully forget. Less than 12 hours later. “Scare you off lol? I’m not going to the shore btw haha.” Okay that’s enough Mr. I literally said I didn’t want to hang out and not just because I didn’t want to go away for the weekend with you. Three hours later “Should I take that as a not interested?” CONSIDERING I ALREADY SAID NO, YEAH THAT’S HOW YOU SHOULD TAKE IT.

Like okay, I feel bad. But please…. chill. And this is coming from someone who has no chill.

The Resurfacer

These are the guys that rise from the dead as if nothing happened when they don’t answer your messages for days. Sometimes, hilariously, they’ll just pick up right where they left off as if life was not happening outside of your message. Oh, hey.

The Intrigue

This is the one that at first glance you look at and aren’t quite sold on the fact that they’re maybe your type, but there’s still something about what they’re putting out there that is piquing your interest. This could also be a person that you message for a sometime but somehow don’t hang out with for one reason or another, yet there’s still some reason why you’re interested and engaged.

Here’s a good example: I came across a guy who physically was not my usual type, but was super attractive. His pictures struck me as kind of funny. His profile said a few things describing him, all great qualities, but still was not sold. At the bottom it said something about being tired of swiping, and it made me laugh out loud (because truly I cannot relate to that more). Swipe right. That one seemed to work out for me, kinda.

So what do you think? Am I missing any? Boys, think I’ve got you all wrong? I wanna hear from ya.


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