Forget to read chapter one from Hayley last week? Catch up here.
Chapter 2: I hate u, i love u
Here, I was. Heartbroken, confused. I had just gone through an it’s not you, it’s me break up. I can vouch for it, THEY REALLY DO EXIST. My dream man had told me, his proclaimed dream girl, that he was not ready. He had demons of his past that he wished to work through, and for that I could not be in the picture. This was for his mental health, and this was for my security. He did not want to hurt me down the road, he knew my feelings were growing. I mean, the first thing I was able to blurt out at him after he said it was over is, I am falling in love with you.
I have struggled with chronic anxiety and depression since I was eight, as my therapist tells me. What I have a hard time with in every frame of my life is being out of control. I have a really hard time when I am not controlling pace, reaction or direction. I had completely lost control of this relationship, and it was not up to me to mend it together. It was not up to me to decide for him that he was making a mistake. I had to let it go.
What pained me the most was that I couldn’t be mad at him. I wanted to be mad at him. So, I unleashed Hurricane Hayley.
I got mean. I told him how mad I was. I told him every bad thought I ever had towards his ex-girlfriend. I changed the narrative from being a civil and understanding breakup, to a thanks for using me case. Now, as I write this, I have recently learned that he has moved back in with his ex. I had a feeling that this was going to happen, so instead of throwing up my hands saying, sucks to suck, I continue to be mean to him. It might seem strange, but I feel better about moving on when I do have an anger towards someone.
And honestly, I do deserve to be upset. He knew the relationship he was leaving. He knew that he didn’t give himself time. He let her back into his life when he started to respond to her when she asked to speak to him. And that made me mad.
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance.
This quote has been making me feel better on two levels. The first level is that it is making me feel normal for purposely burning a bridge. I had every avenue to thank him for his honesty and let him be, but I decided to attack back. It feels good sometimes to know that others have done what you have, just so you feel a little less crazy. OR. You know there will be a group of like minded people like you in Hell.
I needed to burn that bridge because that was my way of controlling the outcome. I did not want to wait for him to change his mind, watching the days go by without hearing from him was torturous. So, I burned a bridge.
This also worked for me because it created the distance and closure I needed, that I was not going to get from him. I saw him out a few times, and he would cheers my glass, or come and say hi to me. Sometime after our relationship ended and we ran into each other out, we ended up going home together. He told me the next day that he had been spending time with his ex (this is obviously before she moved back in) and that was the direction he needed. He needed space created just as badly as I did, because we do have real feelings for each other. The timing, however, was just not there. Had we met before his relationship, or maybe a few years after he realizes he is dating Satan things don’t pan out the way he wishes, things can pick up again. His girlfriend is emotionally abusive, and he is caught in her trap. I can give him the benefit of the doubt because I have dated people like that as well. Excuses aside though, he needed distance between us. So I took that upon myself.
The last talk we had was very angry. There were shots fired both ways, and I continued to stress that I felt used. I know most of it was his crazy girlfriend texting me from his phone, but I did not hold back. I really hate speaking badly about people, but she bugs me. To make matters worse, she was my bully when I was younger. So I didn’t really feel the need to hold back.
On the flip side, I felt like I needed to do something that would hurt him. As horrible as that sounds, I didn’t want him to give me anymore of those “You’re amazing, I am sorry this didn’t work out” answers anymore. I didn’t want to feel that my greatness and my attributes were not enough. I really am ready to fall in love again, but I don’t want him dimming my light and my sparkle. I needed him to think a little less of me and I needed to burn that bridge. Even if he and I will only hold any animosity towards each other for a few short months, I needed it. And he did too.
Now, you are probably thinking, where does this leave me? How am I doing?
Well, I’ve got my dating apps back and running. And I am ready for my PLOT TWIST. Stay tuned for part 3 and I will tell you why washing my face to 90’s music has changed my life.