By Nicki Constandia. Follow her on Instagram @Nicknicknickiii
Let’s start off clear, if your guy is a good guy, not shady (as far as you can tell), seemingly likes you, everything goes well in person, but the texting situation is rough…. girl, I’m talking to you.
Countless times myself and women around me have uttered the words
“why hasn’t he texted me yet?”
This is the beginning of the end for our sweet little minds. How easily it spirals from “should I text him?” “Should I ask him what the hell is up?” “Where are we even going?” “What am I doing with him? Am I wasting my time?” “Does he even like me??” Add him posting on social or texting another friend and all hell can break loose. So let’s take a step back.
Number one, what does texting enough mean? For some women, it’s as simple as a “Are we still on for our date tomorrow?” while other might want a “Good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?” Wherever you fall, to each their own.
The question for yourself is, what is enough texting for ME?
“I just want to know he cares and is thinking about me.” Yes, that makes sense but last time you hung out, did you think he cared about you? If the answer is yes, then the next question is, what does it mean to you that he hasn’t texted you yet? What do you honestly think it means to him? How would him texting you right now change the situation for you?
Often times, for me, I felt a sense of relief when I received a text message from a guy I was seeing, like “YES, still in the game!” Yet probably 100% of the time I eventually received that text, I was still in the game with or without the text message. I was just letting my mind get the best of me.
I was and still am a “no games” type of girl. I’m the kind of girl that would have started cool and chill by texting first and frequently, whenever I thought of them. Then if replies were infrequent in return, I would get more and more concerned and finally call it out. “WHY AREN’T YOU TEXTING ME? DO YOU NOT LOVE ME?” Regularly met with a reply along the lines of “We just met?”
Okay, I’m slightly exaggerating but I was never afraid to come off as a ‘psycho’ (and often did).
The are countless men that I pushed away by expecting more right off as we started to get to know each other. Instead of letting things grow organically, I wanted things my way, to soothe my needs anxiety, fear of loss, and countless other insecurities I had.
If you like him and he likes you, why not just enjoy the moment? The truth is, if it continues, you’ll have countless other text messages, two months turns into two years or many more. If it’s truthfully you own anxieties or fears that are getting in the way of that moment, let’s talk about those for a quick sec.
It took me a long time to realize that I wanted a guy who wasn’t up my ass all day with text messages because he was “thinking about me.” I wanted a guy who gave me the freedom to do my own thing when we weren’t together, being fully present in those moments, not recanting stories to him or reflecting on our past or present time together.
I wanted a guy who was off doing his own thing, enjoying his life in the moment as well. All of this cumulates into a man who when you meet, is in the moment with YOU and you both have stories to share about what’s happened while you weren’t texting.
I also learned that I didn’t need a text message to validate me or my relationships. Texting doesn’t mean he loves you or is actually thinking about me. In fact, I dated a guy who would text me frequently. It turns out he had a girlfriend of 9 months. I’ve dated guys who didn’t text at all and we had fantastic dates. I wonder how many guys have slipped through my fingers because at the time they didn’t text me enough.
I got to that point by facing my previous relationship issues, expectations for the future, admitted my faults and let go of what hadn’t been on me. I found my boundaries and expectations for future relationships. I figured out how I wanted to be treated and loved (find out your language of love profile. It can change and it’s important).
After all that (which took two years for the record) I felt better in slower relationships. I also felt more comfortable to state my boundaries in new relationships when they weren’t being crossed.
For example, I told my current boyfriend about a year in that I felt better when he texted me because to me that meant he was thinking about me and made me feel secure. To which he said, “Cool, I’ll text you more, but if I don’t, it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you, I’m just enjoying my time with the guys.”
New and improved me, wanted him to have a good time with or without me, just like I wanted for myself, so the text messages became less important.
Is anyone else a recovering text-oholic? Facing my relationship issues was the key to success for me, but it may not be for everyone. It’s easy to reflect on now but it wasn’t always easy during the process.
Please feel free to reach out or comment below if you want more advice!